.provision.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I want to be good at so many different things (photography, painting, design, musical composition, writing, singing, being deep, being artsy, being friendly, being witty, etc, etc.) and yet not feeling more than mediocre at any of them. I took some time recently to reflect and really brainstorm at what I do best and, well, I think I’ve come up with my answer… but I’m still not exactly sure how I feel about it.

Do you want to know the one thing that I really feel good at? The one thing that I think I have a pretty good handle on? That one thing that I can point to and say “Yup… I rock it”? Here it comes…

I’m good at church.

No, really, that’s what I figured out. I excel in almost any “churchy” situation, from leading kids in “wee worship” to wearing a lion suit at VBS to singing on stage in a praise band to volunteering a bit of muscle before and after a church event. I have just enough mediocre talent at enough random things to be able to handle meeting new people, adding a few creative touches, and putting in my two cents at any sort of Bible study. 

So, why does that feel so… lame?

I think it bothers me for two reasons. For one, I feel as though outside of the church my talents aren’t anything worth talking about. Sure I’m a valuable asset as a volunteer, but today the world’s standards are (sadly) a lot higher than the churches when it comes to quality. Harsh, I know… but you almost have to admit that it’s true.

And secondly, (and even more worrisome) I’m not sure that the modern American definition of church is really what Jesus had in mind when he was walking the earth. Not that VBS and wee worship and praise bands and all that are bad – but it’s not exactly the equivalent of picking up a cross and carrying it, now is it? So, I’m afraid that the things I think that I’m best at are perhaps irrelevant to the gospel.

I’m not writing about these things to tear anyone down (not myself or the church), but because I think there is a valuable lesson buried somewhere in here… and as I dig it out, I think a big piece of it has to do with my own pride.

When I look at the blessings that God has poured out on me as an individual, I am amazed at the abundance of mercy that I see there. I only start to falter in my self-confidence when I start comparing my talent with others. It is that needing to be better than the other guy that distracts me from what I already have… and that, unfortunately, is pride.

God has indeed gifted me as an individual… for such a time and place that I already find myself in. I desire to see the church redeemed, and without me ever understanding the process, God has still managed to work in my life in a way that equips me for the task at hand… not the task that I thought I wanted. He has placed me in Richmond, VA because this is where I should be. He has given me this weird mish-mash of half-baked ideas and talents because He knew it would be exactly what I would need. 

You know what is so awesome? The complete and utter provision of God.

.learning boldness.

As many of you already know, I officially settled into my new place in Richmond, Virginia this past Wednesday afternoon. The unpacking process took a lot less time than expected and by the evening I was more than ready to do a little sight-seeing with my host family. Yesterday I had two separate meetings – one with Chris Barras about specific ministry jobs I can be involved in at Area10, and another after lunch with Tim Cole about the larger picture for my internship with VEF. Two very different meetings, each packed with their own assortment of information. By the end of them I needed to go back to the house and debrief. I wandered around Carytown since their shops were open late last night and met with a small group of 20-something girls for dinner. All in all, a great day.

So why, when I returned to the house, was I so discontent? I had spent the day with new people, having great conversations, hearing good stories – so why did I feel lonely? After a fruitless search for kindred via friends on the internet, I rejected the impulse to call someone/anyone that would listen to me whine for no good reason whatsoever. Now, by no means do I intend to make this blog my home of emo dribble – I tell you all this to get to the better part of the story.

I opened my Bible to a book that I’ve been hearing a lot about lately from various conversations, sermons, etc, and one which I’ve always proclaimed to be my “favorite”. Philippians has provided comfort to me in the most trying circumstances of my life and my favorite verses, including “Rejoice in the Lord always” seem to tirelessly put a positive spin on life. Yet, as I read Paul’s prayer for the Philippians last night, I felt like he was reaching forward through time and praying specifically for me:

 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. ~ Phil 1:9-11

Philippians is a letter where Paul calls for purity and boldness. There is no longer any room for hesitation or timidity. He urges them to do as he has done – forgetting what is behind and pressing on toward the goal for the sake of the gospel. This truth has always been a great challenge for me. God so overwhelmingly blesses my life that oftentimes it is difficult to leave such good things behind, even when it is for the sake of something greater. Yet, as Paul does, I must consider all of these “good things” as loss for the sake of Christ.

God led me here, to Richmond, to participate in a healthy, exciting ministry (in the face of a bad economy) and I cannot hesitate, nor be timid about the process. God promises (and continually proves) to be faithful, and therefore I must trust that these internal spells of loneliness will pass and through them I will learn to rely more on God for my peace and joy. The process is not supposed to be easy, but I know it will be good.

Also, if I haven’t worn you out by my blogging yet, I found an interesting article on politics. Although the election is long past, I think that these values are something the church constantly needs to think about and I appreciate David Swanson’s point of view on the subject: Urban Exile: Suburban vs. Urban Church Politics

.what is art.

What separates a Rembrandt from a child’s coloring book page? Where can we draw a line between scribbles and masterpieces? In a postmodern world, this contrast becomes harder and harder to define… to the point where we even have to ask if there truly is a difference. I’ve been mulling over this idea for quite some time now, and I know that I don’t have a completely clear picture yet, but I feel like writing out some of my ideas will help solidify the process.  I believe that there is a difference.  In order for art to truly exist, it must have four simple yet very necessary qualities. I believe that without any one of the following ingredients, it simply cannot be held the same category. We may find, however, from this most basic description of what art is, that certain things we may not expect to be counted as such are, in fact, art.

First of all, it must have substance – some previously existing materials that have been shaped to form something new. This is the process of creation in its very essence. Artistry is this innate desire – to create something that has, as of yet, never existed. This is a very spiritual process because it mimics (although it can never completely duplicate) a creative God who formed the universe out of nothing. Art, if it is to be called that, by its very nature cannot remain a formless idea forever held in the imagination. It must be breathed into some form of reality, however crudely or expertly. 

Another necessary ingredient for art to exist is the elusive factor called inspiration. It is nearly impossible to describe where it comes from and why, and I will not attempt to do so. I do, however, reverently see it as a holy exchange. The ability to imagine and suppose the intangible which has never been imagined or supposed previously. The countless number of varieties and combinations of color, musical notes, words, shapes, movements, etc. is limitless and, on its own, seemingly lost in chaos. Yet, mankind has the gift that allows us to reach into that chaos of raw elements and design some form of order and beauty. The simple ability to have an idea is a precious anomaly.

These first two qualities are either present or they are not. Without them, art simply cannot be formed. The last two, however, help us measure the value and quality of the art, and they tend to go hand in hand.

You see, art also requires both time and talent. The artistic process cannot happen in an instant. True artists dedicate years of practice and study in order to perfect their gifts, and behind every masterpiece is countless hours of dedicated hard work. These are the two obstacles that tend to separate those devoted to their craft from the rest of the crowd. If a simple, elegant piece seems to come with ease to an artist, it is not without a history of countless mistakes and grievances. It is undeniable that God has gifted some of His children with more of “an eye” for these sorts of things, but that eye must be developed over time in order to be able to create anything of true value. Oftentimes people simply throw up their hands, proclaiming that they cannot create when in reality they are not willing to put in the necessary effort. Oftentimes, I find myself doing just that. 

These last two qualities are what, I believe, help us determine the value of an art piece. If it is something an artist is passionate about, his or her time and talent are the investment into the piece. The more they put in, the more will (usually) come out. Even if the “genius” is not recognized, I believe it is this portion of the artistic process that gives art its value. All in all, it is not the art itself that is worth something, but the dedication, heart, and effort poured into it by the artist.

So, what is art? I suppose in a nutshell I could say “Art is an inspired substance brought forth through both time and talent” …but that would just too easy, wouldn’t it? Art is what you dedicate  your heart and soul into creating, hoping that it brings some meaning back into your life through it’s reflection of truth. This can be a painting, a dance, a song, a play, a poem, a garden, a photography, a child that you raise, love that you give, help that you offer, or a dozen other possibilities. It is a tangible representation of truth created by man that, ultimately, glorifies God whether you mean for it to or not.

I really like art.

.gratitude and anticipation.

This weekend I’m traveling up to Richmond with my mom to visit the people, the area, and the church that I’m going to be based out of over the coming year. The past few weeks at home have challenged me to retain some semblance of productiveness in the face of boredom. I’m eager to move on from here and dip my hand into something new and unfathomable. 

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to engage my mind in preparation for what is to come. Although oftentimes my body recoils at the thought of reading books I’m not assigned or simply doing more than sitting on the couch, I’ve enjoyed several afternoons opening up my sketchbook again, or reading short stories by Nathaniel Hawthorne or Dostoyevsky. Of course, there is still so much more that I could be doing. 

Yesterday I had a conversation with a new friend about the origins of Joy. He said that he once did a word study and that Joy always comes from two places: gratitude and anticipation. We can either find joy in the abundance that God has already poured out upon us, or in the future prospects of what we know He is going to accomplish. I think that’s a marvelously simple and simply marvelous way of looking at it… especially on a topic that so many people can’t seem to quite figure out. We know that happiness and joy are different entities, but I think we mostly just hope that joy will hit us over the head one day when we’ve become “spiritual” enough. Really, though, joy is a spiritual practice of sorts. Honestly, it takes a conscious (but necessary) effort to remember how much we already have… and how much is yet to come. We are a blessed people on all accounts, and our joy and peace stems directly from that.

.abnormal.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how I don’t want to simply live a normal life.

I was listening to an old episode of the RELEVANT podcast (sent out by the amazing people at Relevant Magazine) saying that if everyone achieved the American dream, we would need four more planets in order to provide the physical resources. The earth simply cannot sustain what we humans think we have a right too, and I think that speak volumes about the priorities and standards we’ve created for ourselves.

So, no, I don’t want to live in a safe suburb (much less a gated community). And no, I don’t want to live a lifestyle of comfort and ease. And… at least for right now, I can’t picture myself raising a traditional family with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever. I don’t want a cushy job where I get paid lots of money to do as little as possible. To me, there has to be MORE to life than that. I don’t want to live by everyone else’s standards of success.

MY idea of success is getting a place where I can give away most of what I earn, including my free time. My idea of success is being conscious of how what I buy and what I do effects the world as a whole (betterworldshopper.org/). My idea of success is when the people around me are fully conscious of the fact that I love every piece of their humanity, even the fallen parts.

Of course, I’m certainly not there yet, and I’m okay with that because life is a journey and it obviously wasn’t much of a challenge if I reached it by the age of 23. My friends have been teaching me a lot about this sort of life-style over the past couple of years – the good, bad, and the ugly. The challenges are innumerable and at times seemingly insurmountable, but I’m pressing on… or trying to, anyway.

.love the church.

Perhaps the biggest challenge as Christ followers is reckoning our faith to the current state of the church. We look at the Bible and the glimpses of the early church we find within its pages is starkly different than what stands before us today.  Christian book store outlets, concerts, home schooling, greeting cards, refrigerator magnets, t-shirts, and radio stations do a better job of creating an intimidating sub-culture, rather than letting Christ’s light shine into the world; Not that any of these things are inherently wrong – they just tend  to distract us from those “darn heathens” and focus on maintaining our own little world. Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose of our faith? And so this sub-culture that we’ve created, ironically, cancels out the basic truths that we believe in.

And so, for me, it’s easy to get a bit cynical about the church. When I witness churches that are more concerned about the image it presents to the community more than the community itself, the easiest thing for me to do is wag my finger, roll my eyes, and throw up my hands. In other words: do absolutely nothing productive about it. All of my accusing, complaining, demanding, and reprimanding does absolutely no one any good whatsoever. If anything, it even further de-unifies the church that I’m passionate about unifying because now I’m separating myself from it and saying that I am not a part of it. Why? Because I know better.
Now who is the walking contradiction?

I tell you from first hand experience – At a Bible College you will find a lot more cynics and critics than passionate lovers of the body of Christ. This is so terribly sad to me because most of those people are training to dedicate the rest of their lives to Christian ministry, and they are absolutely wearing themselves out with doubt, anger and frustration before they’ve even begun.

Why is it so hard to love the church? We should know by now that people only let us down. Even the most well-intentioned, loving, servant-hearted people (if you happen to know any of those) really screw us over from time to time.

Knowing that, why even bother? Why is being a part of the church so important anyway? I’m just going to be let down and discouraged if I stick around this messed up group of people. They’re going to ask too much of me, they’re going to smother me, they’re going to call when I just want an evening to myself. I can have my own faith and follow Jesus Christ without other people, right?

Well, I honestly don’t think we can.
In one of Christ’s longest recorded prayers in John 17, he says, “I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.” (NIV)

Christ beckons us into community – not for our own sake, but for the sake of the salvation of the world. God explicitly designed His creation in this order: That is not good for man to be alone and that only through Christian community can we fully display the love of Christ to the world.

I know this all sounds cliche and terribly unoriginal, but I don’t think a lot of us have taken this principle to heart. We mock, scorn, criticize the church… even if it is under our breaths so no one else can hear. This is a terrible, hurtful crime against the Bride of Christ and a habit that we must turn away from immediately. Even if she does not realize the degree of adultery she is committing against her Bridegroom, we must offer her compassion and mercy because… for lack of better words… it’s what Jesus would do.

so it begins…

On July 1st I will officially start my 10 month long internship for Virginia Evangelizing Fellowship (henceforth to be referred to as VEF) as a Director of Media for their Kingdom Equation campaign. VEF is a church planting organization well known and respected throughout Virginia and the surrounding areas (VEF website). This is an amazing opportunity that will allow me to work with several new church plants, helping to develop their understanding of multi-media in the church, artist communities, and the true variety that exists under the big, beautiful umbrella of worshipping God. This blog will intermittently help keep family and friends up to date on what I’m doing, but more importantly will record what I’ve been thinking about in terms of ministry, where I am being challenged, and what my experiences have taught me thus far.

By no means do I have all the answers. If anything, this blog is meant to help me explore all of the questions that I still have and to occasionally come to tentative conclusions, hopefully all based on the leadings of the Holy Spirit. 

So, if you’d like to journey with me, I heartily invite you to do so. Comments and feedback are not only appreciated, but greatly encouraged, as they will help keep this worship-discussion going! 

With that said, on with the blogging.

Also be sure to check my photography wordpress at http://worshipinbeauty.wordpress.com